Our Most Horrific Post Ever!

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Sometimes the dead won’t stay dead.

Some things are so foul that they should not be. For years, it’s mere existence proved that the universe is cold and merciless, indifferent to the pleas of good-hearted homebrewers everywhere. Eventually, its evil finally ran its course. But now — in this, our most horrifying post ever— we describe how to resurrect it, so it can walk the Earth again. [Cue thunder and lightning bolts.] If you doubt your courage, then read no further, for what you learn cannot be unlearned. What you release cannot be put back in the bottle.

Happy Halloween, homebrewers. For this scary holiday, we’re showing you how to brew something horrible — a Zima clone. (Don’t worry, I’ll post a “real” article tonight.) Zima was the colorless “malternative” beverage maligned by everyone who holds brewing dear. Zima was made from malt, but filtered to remove all the color. Our clone mimics the final product, but not the production methods. For the best results, use the lightest colored Pilsner malt (or other base malt) you can find. And don’t worry about the preservatives in the soda, they will be overwhelmed by the hordes of pitched yeast.

 

scareycat

Cats hate Zima. True story.

Zombie Zima (The Homebrew Horror)

BJCP Category 31 — That Which Should Not Be

by Chris Colby

All-grain; English units

 

DESCRIPTION

Very light colored, although not quite clear. Tastes like Zima.

 

INGREDIENTS (for 5 gallons)

 

Water

brewing liquor (water used in mash)

distilled, RO or very soft water with 100 ppm Ca++ added

remaining water

carbon filtered tap water

Malt and Sugar (for an OG of 1.042, at 70% extract efficiency, and an SRM of 2)

3.5 lbs. Pilsner malt (1.5 °L)

1 lb. 2 oz. sucrose (cane sugar)

one 2-L bottle Squirt or other grapefruit-flavored soda

two 2-L bottles 7-Up, Sprite or other lemon-lime flavored soda

Hops (for 9 IBUs)

Saaz hops (9 IBU)

0.66 oz. Saaz hops (at 3.5% alpha acids), boiled for 60 minutes

Yeast (for an FG of 1.005 and 4.8% ABV)

Wyeast 1056, White Labs WLP001 or Fermentis US-05 dried yeast

(3-qt. yeast starter)

Other

1/2 tsp. Irish moss, boiled for 15 minutes

3/4 tsp. yeast nutrients, boiled for 15 minutes

5.0 oz. corn sugar (to prime for 2.6 volumes of CO2)

 

PROCEDURE

In a 1.0-gallon jug, make yeast starter 2–3 days ahead of time. Pour soda, at room temperature, into sanitized fermenter and cover. Pour roughly to knock out as much carbonation as possible. Heat 4.8 qts. of brewing liquor to 163 °F and mash grains at 152 °F for 60 minutes. Collect approximately 2.25 gallons of wort and bring to a boil. Boil wort for 90 minutes, but don’t let wort volume dip below 2.0 gallons. Top up with boiling water as needed. Add hops with 60 minutes left in the boil. Add Irish moss and yeast nutrients for final 15 minutes of boil. Dissolve sugar in wort and add during last 10 minutes of the boil. Stir thoroughly to prevent scorching. Chill wort to 65 °F. Transfer to fermenter, letting wort splash into soda to release more carbonation. Top up to 5.0 gallons (19 L) with cool water. Ferment at 68 °F. Bottle with priming sugar or keg and froce carbonate to 2.6 volumes of CO2. Serve colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra.

 

Extract Option 

Substitute 2.25 lbs. (1.0 kg) of the lightest dried malt extract you can find for the Pilsner malt. Dissolve extract to make 2.25 gallons (8.5 L) of wort and proceed as in all-grain instructions.

 

Zombie Zima (The Homebrew Horror)

BJCP Category 31 — That Which Should Not Be

by Chris Colby

All-grain; metric units

 

INGREDIENTS (for 19 L)

 

Water

brewing liquor (water used in mash)

distilled, RO or very soft water with 100 ppm Ca++ added

remaining water

carbon filtered tap water

Malt and Sugar (for an OG of 1.042, at 70% extract efficiency, and an SRM of 2)

1.6 kg Pilsner malt (1.5 °L)

650 g sucrose (cane sugar)

one 2-L bottle Squirt or other grapefruit-flavored soda

two 2-L bottles 7-Up, Sprite or other lemon-lime flavored soda

Hops (for 9 IBUs)

Saaz hops (9 IBU)

19 g Saaz hops (at 3.5% alpha acids), boiled for 60 minutes

Yeast (for an FG of 1.005 and 4.8% ABV)

Wyeast 1056, White Labs WLP001 or Fermentis US-05 dried yeast

(3-L yeast starter)

Other

1/2 tsp. Irish moss, boiled for 15 minutes

3/4 tsp. yeast nutrients, boiled for 15 minutes

140 g corn sugar (to prime for 2.6 volumes of CO2)

 

PROCEDURE

In a 4-L jug, make yeast starter 2–3 days ahead of time. Pour soda, at room temperature, into sanitized fermenter and cover. Pour roughly to knock out as much carbonation as possible. Heat 4.6 L of brewing liquor to  73 °C and mash grains at 67 °C for 60 minutes. Collect approximately 8.5 L of wort and bring to a boil. Boil wort for 90 minutes, but don’t let wort volume dip below 7.5 L. Top up with boiling water as needed. Add hops with 60 minutes left in the boil. Add Irish moss and yeast nutrients for final 15 minutes of boil. Dissolve sugar in wort and add during last 10 minutes of the boil. Stir thoroughly to prevent scorching. Chill wort to 18 °C. Transfer to fermenter, letting wort splash into soda to release more carbonation. Top up to 5.0 gallons (19 L) with cool water. Ferment at 20 °C. Bottle with priming sugar or keg and froce carbonate to 2.6 volumes of CO2. Serve colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra.

More Halloween Clip Art Illustrations at http://www.ClipartOf.com

Spooky, huh?

Comments

  1. You know, I might just have to make this sometime!!!

  2. My dad loved this stuff, it was one of the few things he could drink without getting heart burn. Definately will brew this for him.

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